Skeptical Much?? Ahh, yeah....

Well ladies and gentlemen... This is my very FIRST official blog. Pretty sure it's been a long time coming, and I can assure you that I will have a multitude of very fascinating and hilarious stories to share with you all in the coming months! You will find that I am a woman with the lack of a filter, I say out loud what everyone else thinks in their heads. I will use this blog as an outlet to share my dating experiences and general details about my life as a single, dating mother.

A little about me: I am a 29 year old single mom of the most amazing 7 year old little girl on the face of the planet. I forgot what my life was like before her. I can honestly say that I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me mommy. And fortunately for me, becoming a mother has made me put my life, and exactly what I am looking for in a man into perspective. I know what she and I both deserve.

Now, with that being said... I've been divorced now for almost 7 years, but have always been "that girl" to be in a relationship; as dysfunctional as it may be. I've officially been totally SINGLE for a year now. My mom has recently become concerned with my dating status. She thinks that I have attracted the wrong men for too long, and rightfully so! I've dated the ones looking for a mommy, I've dated the ones that would rather sculpt their guns at the gym and have flex off's in the mirror with their buddies than have a normal sexual relationship with a woman, I've dated the ones whose idea of a good time is going to the bars like it was their jobs and thought that having "pants off dance off's" was attractive. I've dated guys who were grown ass men and still lived in their mothers basements because they felt that a career as a department store security guard was ambitious. I've dated a couple that thought it was appropriate to bone my best friend, or hook up with someone in the women's bathroom at a bar (keep in mind that I walked in on both of these incidents). Let me give you gentlemen a word of advice...if you are going to cheat on a woman, can you do us a little justice and fucking UPGRADE PLEASE!!! Lets not move down the totum pole, mmmkay? Let me just say that I have dated some real gems. If there is a complete and total douchebag within a 500 mile radius, you bet your sweet ass I'm attracted to him.

Which brings me to my present situation. My sweet, sweet mother worries that I'm going to end up being that middle aged woman who sits at home and collects cats, or I will end up a Cougar. So she suggested that I get out of my comfort zone and join a dating website. Now, if any of you are anything like me, you have a stereotype of the dating websites. My particular stereotype was that people on said websites were lonely, miserable, unattractive freakshows. But I figured what the hell!! If anything, it will give my friends and I something to make fun of on our girls nights out while we are beating off Ed Hardy; Affliction; Tap Out shirt wearing douchebags at the bar with sticks. So, I opened up a profile. I won't mention which dating website...lets keep a little autonomy here, shall we? So I posted some pics, wrote up a little "about me" to include my interests, what I was looking for in a man, physical requirements (because I AM a superficial bitch), age requirements (25-35), etc. On this particular site, members can show interest by "winking" sending messages, or selecting whether or not they are interested in a pre-selected "daily 5". Within one week, I had over 100 messages, a shit ton of winks and interests. I was like, "Holy shit!! There has to be SOMEONE who will strike my interest!!" Ahh, not so much. Talk about fucking b-o-r-i-n-g. Generic, vanilla, white bread, boring ass messages. "Hi, I saw your profile. You are beautiful. Lets chat sometime." "Hellooo! We seem to have a lot in common. I'd like to learn more." "Hey Chamby! I like what you wrote. You seem very interesting." Oh My God. Can you fellas please be a little more creative? Do/say something to get my attention. Not to mention the fact that over half of them were old enough to be my dad. Thanks, but absolutely no freaking way. Old balls. Gross. CLEARLY I posted my age requirements. 25-35. I didn't say 22-55. Not only are you entirely too old for me, but obviously you don't know how to read either. Good one. I did end up meeting a couple guys face to face, but no one that really, really peaked my interest.

THEN...I get a message from Chief Captain Looney Tunes himself. Pretty sure that the hot-mess express rolled right into my inbox on March 22nd. The following is a string of messages I got from this trainwreck. Let me preface this by saying that not once, even a single time, did I respond to this weirdo. This is basically a string of messages of him talking to himself....please enjoy....

he said: March 22 - Sully's
Ever go to that Blue Moon Bar near West Glen? The guys are horrible singers,fairly decent piano players, regardless, it's a fun place. Was at Granite City and Sully's Saturday night.

he said: March 26 - Granite City
Let's go to Granite City for Dinner Saturday night. Then we shall go bowling. Seriously. You need a sconnie boy to go out every so often, eh? I think we would have fun. Yeah, i bettcha....
Mark E

he said: March 26 - You Ra Ra
Chamby, you crack me up, dude. You're so damn funny. I say it's time for road trip Des Moines.Road trip Des Moines, Road Trip Des Moines, Road trip Des Moines. ha ha ha\I live about six hours from DM. However, my job takes me down to the border areas of Wisconsin and Iowa. Every so often, i get on this Des Moines kick, and "bam" im road runnin down there.It's not a bad town. I always have fun there. That Blue Moon place is kinda cool. The wind sucks in Iowa, it will cut your head off. Brutal.You need to date a Wisconsin guy every so often, just to spice it up, what the hell.Seriously, i have an appointment in Platteville, WI this Saturday, which is like 1/2 hour fromDubuque. I say we raise a couple of Red Lager pints at GC and ring in the new year. ha ha haI'll bunk out at Staybridge off Lake Drive, and wha la...I'm set.
K, Lata
Mark

he said: March 26 - Sag & Cancerian
Crap, i'm screwed. ha ha ha...Sagittarius and Cancer – The Sagittarius man's roving eye would wreck the relationship.

he said: March 26 - HIT IT
And a 1, and a 2, and a 1, 2, 3, 4....Chamby shakes all over, when she walks...she makes a blind man see, she makes a dumb man talk, oh luv her with a feelin, you have to luv chamby with a feelin, man, luv chams with a feelin, or man don't you luv at all,,,, ha ha haYou with me? Allright baby..
M

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? I was at a loss. No clue what to do (other than the obvious which was block this whack job.) But then I got to thinking...maybe I will unblock him to see what other randomness I might get from him to keep you all entertained!! So please stay tuned for that. I've also received some other nonsense messages, but we'll save those for another time :)

Until next time..............

-A